"DAMN. I'm going to be bruised tomorrow..."
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I puzzled over this for awhile. I don't want to go back where I was but I didn't have any real motivation to get better.
Until...the other morning when I woke up and started thinking about a mountain biking trip I've been invited to go on with some friends in about 10 months. It's a 100 mile loop, 3 days, camp-in and ride-out trip in the middle of NOWHERE on slick rock in Canyonlands, UT.
I went on this same trail about 3 years ago, and not gonna lie, it handed my ass to me. Physically, emotionally, you name it.
So NEW GOAL:
Obviously, maintain GW, if not hit lower GW. I don't want to get too much thinner because FUCK!!! None of my clothes fit me anymore!!! All my friends joke because they threaten to pants me...my clothes are so huge! I went from a 12 to a 2. For real.
But the real goal is to be a really good mountain biker by May 2012. Be able to handle serious technical shit, be able to climb, have killer stamina, ride at the front of the pack with the big boys, if only for a little while.
And yes, I know this is a weird goal for a thinspo site. Don't get me wrong, bones will ALWAYS be, for me, the absolute epitome of perfect beauty. But I will never be that. And that's okay, I guess...
For me, now, STRONG is the new skinny. Maybe that's come with age, but I've actually never been smaller, never been thinner, and never felt better. So, yeah.
New goal. See you in 10 months...
I did it.
I set a goal for myself months ago and it sucked along the way - at many, many points; but I pushed through and didn't let in. I hit GW.
I just got home from the vacation of a lifetime (yachting, beaches, shopping on Madison avenue, y'know, whatnot) and the whole time I never thought about my weight or my body. I even got in a slick 6 mile run around Central Park in Manhattan on my birthday which, I NEVER would have been able to do 4 months ago.
So - just know this:
Don't EVER let ANYONE tell you what you can and can't do. If you want it, and if you sacrifice enough, you can do anything.
I had people laugh at me.
And tell me I was crazy for starving and working out every day.
Fuck them. They don't live in my head. They don't live in my skin. All that matters is what I feel.
And now - I feel great.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I guess I just don't need this blog the way I used to years ago (and I mean years ago, 3+). Why? I'd like to say I'm more mature, more self assured but really, I just have a life now, a really really really good life and it doesn't allow for much writing time.
Anyway, things are AWESOME. As of this morning I am down 26 pounds (NO SHIT!) Do you know how much that is? It's kick-ass thats how much! But honestly, it's taken a lot of hard work, a long time, and consistency.
I'm not down to GW yet but I'm getting closer. Patience is the hardest thing. This happens over time. My cute little gay friend and my cute little metrosexual friend were talking to me the other day and they were like, "Elle, you lost weight fast." And I thought, "It didn't feel fast. This feels like it's taken forever."
I guess the big afterschool movie message here is don't give up. I'm not. I'm fighting through to the end.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
So which do you want to hear first? The good news or the bad news?
Good News: As of this morning I'm down 20 pounds. I don't recal the exact start date (and if Fitday's server wasn't down I could log-in and check...blast!), but I think it was mid-March. Roughly 2 pounds per week, give or take. Some weeks up, some weeks down.
Almost daily I've got people telling me I look amazing, and my natural reaction is to say "No I don't," but usually manage to say a quiet thank you and change the subject. I'm getting everything from "I've been meaning to tell you, you look great lately, so whatever you're doing keep doing it..." to "Jesus fucking Christ Elle you look so damn hot!" At the end of the day I am doing this for myself and no one else. This is my body, my rules, and I'll do whatever the hell I want with it. But I won't lie, the external validation is encouraging.
Bad News: The new diet has definately caused some tension between me and boyfried lately. I think we're okay now, but a few weeks ago we had a huge blow-up where he had just enough bourbon in him to let fly with his real feelings: "You're obsessed! All you do is work out! You eat these ridiculously tiny portions! I don't want to be with someone that all they care about is their weight."
That kind of killed me.
I'm sorry if my dieting is hard on you, but here's a newsflash - I guarantee it's a HELL of a lot harder on ME, okay? If you think it's hard dating someone with my lifestyle choices, try BEING the person with the lifestyle choices. Do you honestly think I like being hungry all the time? Aching after every work out? Drinking club soda while all my friends are having margaritas? Writing down every little single thing I put in my body?
And another thing, I've had friends say to me: "You look great lately, what have you been doing?" As if it was that simple. They want me to say "Well I found this great pill. You take it once a day and POOF! Fat is gone!" When in reality I want to say - "Well, I eat nothing, work out everyday, don't drink anymore, take pills, write down everything I eat, and have no social life. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Another friend was telling me about the HCG diet - some weird thing where you get these shots daily and eat only 500 calories, to which I said, "Um, duh? Why wouldn't you just only eat 500 calories a day? It's called Willpower; go get some." I don't think he appreciated my candor.
Another bad thing, my bike got stolen yesterday. I rode it to the gym, did yoga, ran 4 miles, worked out my abs, came back outside and there was my bike cable, cut in half, lying on the concrete - bike gone.
AS IF I HAVE $700 TO GO OUT AND BUY ANOTHER GODDAMN BIKE! I bet some fat fuck lifted it, they won't even ride it for excercise. They're just a worthless sack of shit that likes to go around stealling people's means of transportation and excercise. Ugh.
Anyway, less than 2 months to go until I take a beach vacation. Gotta lose at least 10 more pounds between now and then.
It never ends....
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Since my last post things are going well. I'm down about 4-5 pounds since a week ago. Surprising, since my goal is about 2 pounds a week.
Calorie intake has been higher than I wanted, about 600-1000 calories/day. I'm using Fitday again which is great, helps me track my intake, excercise and weight changes.
Changed gyms on Monday. My old gym (Planet Fitness) was such ASS. No classes, no parking, smelly, crowded, gross. New gym (24 Hour Fitness) is newer, has yoga classes, and is still close to my house.
Challenges: my boyfriend is giving me a little greif about how much I'm eating. I don't care. My body, my life.
Also, last night was a get together with friends, big dinner party with a whole buffet spread. I had to go; it was one of my best friends birthdays. I had fun, but I probably consumed at least 3,000 calories.
So now it's black coffee and two egg whites for breakfast, and off to the gym to repent...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
- It's too hard to write about
- The last time I put personal details in my anonymous blog, someone (a hater) who knew my real identity turned it against me, making private details public across Facebook and completely humiliating me
Diet: As mentioned, my relationship doesn't allow for me to have a super-picky diet. We live together, so we cook together, eat together, go out together. I cannot change eveything on my own, but I can cut back, do my part, which is what I intend to do. This includes: Limiting portions
- If I'm still hungry after eating, I'm doing it right.
- If I'm satisfied, I've probably eaten too much
- If I'm full, I've overeaten. Congratulation fatty, now go upstairs and purge.
- Skip meals whenever possible.
- The more frequently I eat, the hungrier I get. Weird, I know.
- PLEASE NOTE: DON'T bother giving me that bullshit that skipping meals makes your body store fat. If I was trying to lose weight the "healthy way" that would be true. But in my ten years of disordered eating experience, it all comes down to calories in, calories out. When you only consume 200 cal/day, your body is going to use those 200 cals for fuel, not storage. Any scientist or medical professional will agree, and the roughly 10% of women in the U.S. who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder can prove it. End of story, mkay?
- This is a tricky one, as social drinking and my lifestyle go hand in hand. Not to mention that I work in a profession that isn't exactly known for being sobriety-friendly. But nonetheless, this is DEFINATELY the reason I have gained the most weight. I'll have a diet mixer and squeeze of lemon please, thankyouverymuch.
Strength: (lower impact, focus on toning)
- Light weights
Aerobic: (harder when I'm restricting heavily)
- Drink at least 90 oz. a day
- This doesn't count tea, coffee, or other beverages. 90 oz of clean, filtered water
- Water flushes out impurities from the body, makes it easier for the liver to process fat from storage, and keeps you feeling full
- MINIMUM 8 hours a night
- When you're sleeping, you're not eating (duh)
- Surprising, you burn a good amount of calories sleeping. Sounds weird, but true
- Fitday.com (http://www.fitday.com/fitness/Login.html) is a great free online resource to track food, calories, excercise, weight goals and progress.
- I've noticed when I use it consistenly, I almost always loose weight. Trick is - consistency.
Some days I'll be so swamped that 14 hours will go by and I'll realize, "Hey, I haven't eaten a single thing today." Of course, my next thought is: "...cool..." but the point here is staying busy is the best way to keep my mind off food. Clean house, wash my car, garden, get caught up at work, read, paint my nails, go see a movie, whatever...just don't eat
And most importantly:
Hungry = Good
Does it suck being hungry? Damn right.
I get dizzy doing such simple taks as STANDING UP. I'm shivering, freezing cold, even when it's 85 degrees out. My body aches all over for lack of energy. My stomach growls so loud everyone in the meeting hears it.
...but it's worth it. The end result is worth it. Nothing good is ever easy. And I can do it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
I'll only say ONE thing... I write this blog anonymously FOR A REASON. I have a real life, with real relationships, family and career. Please respect that.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I do love to stalk a certain lil site by the name of COBRASNAKE and here's a couple little ditties from there:
Yeah, not so much aparently.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
it doesn't change the fact
That I don't have a pretty face.
I always post butt / thighs/ stomach / arms / back / clavicle / legs / thinspo, but never face thinspo...
Something unbelievable admirable about a thin, delicate face...