Saturday, April 23, 2011


Shoulders and Chest

...what I worked out yesterday.


'Morning all.

Not much to report on. I'm down over 10 pounds since SW, which is amazing. Something very odd has been happening in the last few days. Every morning when I get on the scale, I psyche myself out and say "it's going to be higher. You were really bad last night and it's going to be higher so don't get upset when you see you've gained 2 pounds..."

But the last two days I'm down 4 pounds. Part of it HAS to be water - although I'm trying to drink as much as I can. But still - feels fucking amazing.

The worst part about about losing is you become terrified of gaining it back.

Restricting honestly hasn't been that difficult. I get into a habit of taking tiny portions and learning to be happy with that, to feel proud for how little I ate. The only problem has been my boyfriend, who gives my looks or makes comments about my diet. And I feel guilty because he doesn't want to eat in front of me, so he's going without even when I know he's hungry. I tell him not to, but I don't want it to turn into a fight. It honestly doesn't bother me to see him eat. Or to see anyone eat for that matter.

In fact, this will sound incredibly conceited and I'm owning that, but when I see other people eat, especially women, and I'm not eating, I get this small sense of superiority. Like, "I have the will power that you don't and it's going to pay off" sort of thing. I don't say that of course. Just think it. Bitchy either way, but oh well.

Anyway, I love the new gym. I've been doing weight training in addition to my cardio and believe that has made a huge difference. Also, consuming lots of lean protein as I don't want to lose muscle so much as fat. I want a nice, toned butt and tight thighs. But frankly I'm fine with losing muscle, fat, whatever, so long as I'm smaller. So it's lots of egg whites, water-pack canned tuna, chicken breasts, fat free cottage cheese and tofu.

Today - running errands, pedicure, laundry, and of course the gym.

I'm doing it,
So can you,


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Grunge Thinspo

Smells like teen spirit...

Update - the Plan in Action

Oh, hi.

Since my last post things are going well. I'm down about 4-5 pounds since a week ago. Surprising, since my goal is about 2 pounds a week.

Calorie intake has been higher than I wanted, about 600-1000 calories/day. I'm using Fitday again which is great, helps me track my intake, excercise and weight changes.

Changed gyms on Monday. My old gym (Planet Fitness) was such ASS. No classes, no parking, smelly, crowded, gross. New gym (24 Hour Fitness) is newer, has yoga classes, and is still close to my house.

Challenges: my boyfriend is giving me a little greif about how much I'm eating. I don't care. My body, my life.

Also, last night was a get together with friends, big dinner party with a whole buffet spread. I had to go; it was one of my best friends birthdays. I had fun, but I probably consumed at least 3,000 calories.

So now it's black coffee and two egg whites for breakfast, and off to the gym to repent...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Plan

I had the most awful, lowest low day yesterday. I don't want to go into the details of what it was about because:

  1. It's too hard to write about

  2. The last time I put personal details in my anonymous blog, someone (a hater) who knew my real identity turned it against me, making private details public across Facebook and completely humiliating me
So - lesson learned. Even if I write anonymously, I won't get specific. It's hard. I wish I had someone to talk to about things, but such is life. Or at least my life.
    Which leads me to THE PLAN:
      Current Situation: I'm the heaviest I've ever been. It happened slowly, over 2 years. I don't want to give away specifics of height/weight for reasons stated above. I'll just say that by medical definitions, I'm a few pounds short of being clinically overweight.
        Challenges/Obstacles: I'm in a great relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. On the one hand, it's great to have someone love you for who you are, not for what you look like. But on the other hand, it's easier to "let yourself go" (so to speak) since there's no one to look good for except yourself. And why would I try to look good for myself if I don't even like myself? It's much easier for me to starve for someone I love than for someone I hate. And the person I love doesn't want me to starve. Ay, there's the rub...
          Goal: Get to GW by mid-summer. I've got a lot of things to look forward to this summer and would like to look and feel my best for them. My birthday, vacations, and just general summer good times. LW: 129.7 GW1: 140 GW2: 130 GW3: 125 GW Final: 115
            Approach: Combination of diet and excercise to reach GW. Based on previous experience, diet will act as the primary source for weight loss and excercise will play a support role. Some people can eat whatever they like, work out a ton and lose weight. I am not said people. I can work out till I pass out, but it won't help me drop lbs. The purpose of excercise for me is to tone muscle, not shed fat.
              Diet: As mentioned, my relationship doesn't allow for me to have a super-picky diet. We live together, so we cook together, eat together, go out together. I cannot change eveything on my own, but I can cut back, do my part, which is what I intend to do. This includes: Limiting portions

              • If I'm still hungry after eating, I'm doing it right.

              • If I'm satisfied, I've probably eaten too much

              • If I'm full, I've overeaten. Congratulation fatty, now go upstairs and purge.
              Limiting frequency

              • Skip meals whenever possible.

              • The more frequently I eat, the hungrier I get. Weird, I know.

              • PLEASE NOTE: DON'T bother giving me that bullshit that skipping meals makes your body store fat. If I was trying to lose weight the "healthy way" that would be true. But in my ten years of disordered eating experience, it all comes down to calories in, calories out. When you only consume 200 cal/day, your body is going to use those 200 cals for fuel, not storage. Any scientist or medical professional will agree, and the roughly 10% of women in the U.S. who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder can prove it. End of story, mkay?
              Limit alchohol

              • This is a tricky one, as social drinking and my lifestyle go hand in hand. Not to mention that I work in a profession that isn't exactly known for being sobriety-friendly. But nonetheless, this is DEFINATELY the reason I have gained the most weight. I'll have a diet mixer and squeeze of lemon please, thankyouverymuch.

              • Meat

              • Dairy

              • Carbs

              • Sugar

              • Oil


              Strength: (lower impact, focus on toning)

              • Yoga

              • Pilates

              • Abs

              • Light weights

              Aerobic: (harder when I'm restricting heavily)

              • Running

              • Biking
              Other considerations: Water

              • Drink at least 90 oz. a day

              • This doesn't count tea, coffee, or other beverages. 90 oz of clean, filtered water

              • Water flushes out impurities from the body, makes it easier for the liver to process fat from storage, and keeps you feeling full

              • MINIMUM 8 hours a night

              • When you're sleeping, you're not eating (duh)

              • Surprising, you burn a good amount of calories sleeping. Sounds weird, but true

              Food Journal

              • ( is a great free online resource to track food, calories, excercise, weight goals and progress.

              • I've noticed when I use it consistenly, I almost always loose weight. Trick is - consistency.

              Keep Busy

              Some days I'll be so swamped that 14 hours will go by and I'll realize, "Hey, I haven't eaten a single thing today." Of course, my next thought is: "" but the point here is staying busy is the best way to keep my mind off food. Clean house, wash my car, garden, get caught up at work, read, paint my nails, go see a movie, whatever...just don't eat

              And most importantly:

              Hungry = Good

              Does it suck being hungry? Damn right.

              I get dizzy doing such simple taks as STANDING UP. I'm shivering, freezing cold, even when it's 85 degrees out. My body aches all over for lack of energy. My stomach growls so loud everyone in the meeting hears it.

              ...but it's worth it. The end result is worth it. Nothing good is ever easy. And I can do it.