Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Plan

I had the most awful, lowest low day yesterday. I don't want to go into the details of what it was about because:

  1. It's too hard to write about

  2. The last time I put personal details in my anonymous blog, someone (a hater) who knew my real identity turned it against me, making private details public across Facebook and completely humiliating me
So - lesson learned. Even if I write anonymously, I won't get specific. It's hard. I wish I had someone to talk to about things, but such is life. Or at least my life.
    Which leads me to THE PLAN:
      Current Situation: I'm the heaviest I've ever been. It happened slowly, over 2 years. I don't want to give away specifics of height/weight for reasons stated above. I'll just say that by medical definitions, I'm a few pounds short of being clinically overweight.
        Challenges/Obstacles: I'm in a great relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. On the one hand, it's great to have someone love you for who you are, not for what you look like. But on the other hand, it's easier to "let yourself go" (so to speak) since there's no one to look good for except yourself. And why would I try to look good for myself if I don't even like myself? It's much easier for me to starve for someone I love than for someone I hate. And the person I love doesn't want me to starve. Ay, there's the rub...
          Goal: Get to GW by mid-summer. I've got a lot of things to look forward to this summer and would like to look and feel my best for them. My birthday, vacations, and just general summer good times. LW: 129.7 GW1: 140 GW2: 130 GW3: 125 GW Final: 115
            Approach: Combination of diet and excercise to reach GW. Based on previous experience, diet will act as the primary source for weight loss and excercise will play a support role. Some people can eat whatever they like, work out a ton and lose weight. I am not said people. I can work out till I pass out, but it won't help me drop lbs. The purpose of excercise for me is to tone muscle, not shed fat.
              Diet: As mentioned, my relationship doesn't allow for me to have a super-picky diet. We live together, so we cook together, eat together, go out together. I cannot change eveything on my own, but I can cut back, do my part, which is what I intend to do. This includes: Limiting portions

              • If I'm still hungry after eating, I'm doing it right.

              • If I'm satisfied, I've probably eaten too much

              • If I'm full, I've overeaten. Congratulation fatty, now go upstairs and purge.
              Limiting frequency

              • Skip meals whenever possible.

              • The more frequently I eat, the hungrier I get. Weird, I know.

              • PLEASE NOTE: DON'T bother giving me that bullshit that skipping meals makes your body store fat. If I was trying to lose weight the "healthy way" that would be true. But in my ten years of disordered eating experience, it all comes down to calories in, calories out. When you only consume 200 cal/day, your body is going to use those 200 cals for fuel, not storage. Any scientist or medical professional will agree, and the roughly 10% of women in the U.S. who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder can prove it. End of story, mkay?
              Limit alchohol

              • This is a tricky one, as social drinking and my lifestyle go hand in hand. Not to mention that I work in a profession that isn't exactly known for being sobriety-friendly. But nonetheless, this is DEFINATELY the reason I have gained the most weight. I'll have a diet mixer and squeeze of lemon please, thankyouverymuch.

              • Meat

              • Dairy

              • Carbs

              • Sugar

              • Oil


              Strength: (lower impact, focus on toning)

              • Yoga

              • Pilates

              • Abs

              • Light weights

              Aerobic: (harder when I'm restricting heavily)

              • Running

              • Biking
              Other considerations: Water

              • Drink at least 90 oz. a day

              • This doesn't count tea, coffee, or other beverages. 90 oz of clean, filtered water

              • Water flushes out impurities from the body, makes it easier for the liver to process fat from storage, and keeps you feeling full

              • MINIMUM 8 hours a night

              • When you're sleeping, you're not eating (duh)

              • Surprising, you burn a good amount of calories sleeping. Sounds weird, but true

              Food Journal

              • ( is a great free online resource to track food, calories, excercise, weight goals and progress.

              • I've noticed when I use it consistenly, I almost always loose weight. Trick is - consistency.

              Keep Busy

              Some days I'll be so swamped that 14 hours will go by and I'll realize, "Hey, I haven't eaten a single thing today." Of course, my next thought is: "" but the point here is staying busy is the best way to keep my mind off food. Clean house, wash my car, garden, get caught up at work, read, paint my nails, go see a movie, whatever...just don't eat

              And most importantly:

              Hungry = Good

              Does it suck being hungry? Damn right.

              I get dizzy doing such simple taks as STANDING UP. I'm shivering, freezing cold, even when it's 85 degrees out. My body aches all over for lack of energy. My stomach growls so loud everyone in the meeting hears it.

              ...but it's worth it. The end result is worth it. Nothing good is ever easy. And I can do it.


              Anonymous said...

              I really like your frankness, openness and honesty. I hope you will be able to reach your goals!

              Rebeckah said...

              Children die in Africa because they have no food. They would kill to be able to have the resources that we have. Yet here you are, another middle class girl with "issues" who thinks that her body is the most important thing in the world. Get some fucking help you pathetic cow,

              Staci said...

              Rebeckah are you fucking kidding me?? She has a disorder you dumb twat, telling her that isn't doing anything but making yourself feel better and that is pathetic.

              Anonymous said...

              I'd be careful, love, about what you do to your body. I don't agree with skipping meals, and the reason as to why you may gain more while eating frequently could be due to your eating disorder--you're body is use to starving for food, so it stores what it can. To help make your body feel full, eat more protein rich foods, like nuts and chicken breast, to make yourself feel full. It will also help your body recover quicker from your workouts, although you may gain muscle in the process (which weights more than fat).

              That being said, I do not condone what you are doing. Any health professional that would look at your intentions would quickly send you off to receive help. I just hope you realise that looking/being skinny (like the models you so often fawn over) should not be the top priority in your life.

              Thin as Elle said...

              do not have an eating disorder. Disordered eating - maybe.

              I lost a significant amount of weight through a strict diet of calorie restriction with lean protein, low carb, no alcohol, and weight training.

              For the first time in my 30 years of life I have a good control over my mind AND body. This isn't about vanity..."being skinny (like the models [I] so often fawn over", it's about having self confidence and power from the INSIDE out. Knowing that you set a goal for yourself and accomplished it.

              My methodology may not be what you think is acceptable, but I know my body better than anyone else. I feel so good every morning I wake up. I look at myself in the mirror and love what I see for the first time in...EVER. Does that sound like a person with an eating disorder???? No. How I got here and how I maintain is none of you business.

              I apologize for nothing.