The NEXT goal

So...what happens after you hit your goal?

Good question.

I puzzled over this for awhile. I don't want to go back where I was but I didn't have any real motivation to get better.

Until...the other morning when I woke up and started thinking about a mountain biking trip I've been invited to go on with some friends in about 10 months. It's a 100 mile loop, 3 days, camp-in and ride-out trip in the middle of NOWHERE on slick rock in Canyonlands, UT.

I went on this same trail about 3 years ago, and not gonna lie, it handed my ass to me. Physically, emotionally, you name it.

So NEW GOAL:

Obviously, maintain GW, if not hit lower GW. I don't want to get too much thinner because FUCK!!! None of my clothes fit me anymore!!! All my friends joke because they threaten to pants me...my clothes are so huge! I went from a 12 to a 2. For real.

But the real goal is to be a really good mountain biker by May 2012. Be able to handle serious technical shit, be able to climb, have killer stamina, ride at the front of the pack with the big boys, if only for a little while.

And yes, I know this is a weird goal for a thinspo site. Don't get me wrong, bones will ALWAYS be, for me, the absolute epitome of perfect beauty. But I will never be that. And that's okay, I guess...

For me, now, STRONG is the new skinny. Maybe that's come with age, but I've actually never been smaller, never been thinner, and never felt better. So, yeah.

New goal. See you in 10 months...

I did it.

I'll just keep this one short and sweet. I'll just say one thing -

I did it.

I set a goal for myself months ago and it sucked along the way - at many, many points; but I pushed through and didn't let in. I hit GW.

I just got home from the vacation of a lifetime (yachting, beaches, shopping on Madison avenue, y'know, whatnot) and the whole time I never thought about my weight or my body. I even got in a slick 6 mile run around Central Park in Manhattan on my birthday which, I NEVER would have been able to do 4 months ago.

So - just know this:

Don't EVER let ANYONE tell you what you can and can't do. If you want it, and if you sacrifice enough, you can do anything.

I had people laugh at me.
Laugh.
Out loud.
And tell me I was crazy for starving and working out every day.


Fuck them. They don't live in my head. They don't live in my skin. All that matters is what I feel.

And now - I feel great.

Checking In

So as I'm driving to work today I think, "Shit...I haven't posted anything on my blog in months. Bad blogger. Bad."

I guess I just don't need this blog the way I used to years ago (and I mean years ago, 3+). Why? I'd like to say I'm more mature, more self assured but really, I just have a life now, a really really really good life and it doesn't allow for much writing time.

Anyway, things are AWESOME. As of this morning I am down 26 pounds (NO SHIT!) Do you know how much that is? It's kick-ass thats how much! But honestly, it's taken a lot of hard work, a long time, and consistency.

I'm not down to GW yet but I'm getting closer. Patience is the hardest thing. This happens over time. My cute little gay friend and my cute little metrosexual friend were talking to me the other day and they were like, "Elle, you lost weight fast." And I thought, "It didn't feel fast. This feels like it's taken forever."

I guess the big afterschool movie message here is don't give up. I'm not. I'm fighting through to the end.

Checking in

First, I apologize for not posting more often! I guess I could try to pull some excuse like "life has been crazy" which wouldn't be far-off but really I'm just lazy. Also, I don't like to write when there's nothing good to report. And, I like to post when I'm alone so that I don't have boyfriend peaking over my shoulder and asking "what's that?"

So which do you want to hear first? The good news or the bad news?

-tosses coin-

Good News: As of this morning I'm down 20 pounds. I don't recal the exact start date (and if Fitday's server wasn't down I could log-in and check...blast!), but I think it was mid-March. Roughly 2 pounds per week, give or take. Some weeks up, some weeks down.

Almost daily I've got people telling me I look amazing, and my natural reaction is to say "No I don't," but usually manage to say a quiet thank you and change the subject. I'm getting everything from "I've been meaning to tell you, you look great lately, so whatever you're doing keep doing it..." to "Jesus fucking Christ Elle you look so damn hot!" At the end of the day I am doing this for myself and no one else. This is my body, my rules, and I'll do whatever the hell I want with it. But I won't lie, the external validation is encouraging.

Bad News: The new diet has definately caused some tension between me and boyfried lately. I think we're okay now, but a few weeks ago we had a huge blow-up where he had just enough bourbon in him to let fly with his real feelings: "You're obsessed! All you do is work out! You eat these ridiculously tiny portions! I don't want to be with someone that all they care about is their weight."

That kind of killed me.

I'm sorry if my dieting is hard on you, but here's a newsflash - I guarantee it's a HELL of a lot harder on ME, okay? If you think it's hard dating someone with my lifestyle choices, try BEING the person with the lifestyle choices. Do you honestly think I like being hungry all the time? Aching after every work out? Drinking club soda while all my friends are having margaritas? Writing down every little single thing I put in my body?

And another thing, I've had friends say to me: "You look great lately, what have you been doing?" As if it was that simple. They want me to say "Well I found this great pill. You take it once a day and POOF! Fat is gone!" When in reality I want to say - "Well, I eat nothing, work out everyday, don't drink anymore, take pills, write down everything I eat, and have no social life. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Another friend was telling me about the HCG diet - some weird thing where you get these shots daily and eat only 500 calories, to which I said, "Um, duh? Why wouldn't you just only eat 500 calories a day? It's called Willpower; go get some." I don't think he appreciated my candor.

Another bad thing, my bike got stolen yesterday. I rode it to the gym, did yoga, ran 4 miles, worked out my abs, came back outside and there was my bike cable, cut in half, lying on the concrete - bike gone.

AS IF I HAVE $700 TO GO OUT AND BUY ANOTHER GODDAMN BIKE! I bet some fat fuck lifted it, they won't even ride it for excercise. They're just a worthless sack of shit that likes to go around stealling people's means of transportation and excercise. Ugh.

Anyway, less than 2 months to go until I take a beach vacation. Gotta lose at least 10 more pounds between now and then.

It never ends....

Mantra

Check-In

'Morning all.

Not much to report on. I'm down over 10 pounds since SW, which is amazing. Something very odd has been happening in the last few days. Every morning when I get on the scale, I psyche myself out and say "it's going to be higher. You were really bad last night and it's going to be higher so don't get upset when you see you've gained 2 pounds..."

But the last two days I'm down 4 pounds. Part of it HAS to be water - although I'm trying to drink as much as I can. But still - feels fucking amazing.

The worst part about about losing is you become terrified of gaining it back.

Restricting honestly hasn't been that difficult. I get into a habit of taking tiny portions and learning to be happy with that, to feel proud for how little I ate. The only problem has been my boyfriend, who gives my looks or makes comments about my diet. And I feel guilty because he doesn't want to eat in front of me, so he's going without even when I know he's hungry. I tell him not to, but I don't want it to turn into a fight. It honestly doesn't bother me to see him eat. Or to see anyone eat for that matter.

In fact, this will sound incredibly conceited and I'm owning that, but when I see other people eat, especially women, and I'm not eating, I get this small sense of superiority. Like, "I have the will power that you don't and it's going to pay off" sort of thing. I don't say that of course. Just think it. Bitchy either way, but oh well.

Anyway, I love the new gym. I've been doing weight training in addition to my cardio and believe that has made a huge difference. Also, consuming lots of lean protein as I don't want to lose muscle so much as fat. I want a nice, toned butt and tight thighs. But frankly I'm fine with losing muscle, fat, whatever, so long as I'm smaller. So it's lots of egg whites, water-pack canned tuna, chicken breasts, fat free cottage cheese and tofu.

Today - running errands, pedicure, laundry, and of course the gym.

Anyway,

I'm doing it,

So can you,

Kisses,

-Elle

The Plan

I had the most awful, lowest low day yesterday. I don't want to go into the details of what it was about because:

1. It's too hard to write about


2. The last time I put personal details in my anonymous blog, someone (a hater) who knew my real identity turned it against me, making private details public across Facebook and completely humiliating me

So - lesson learned. Even if I write anonymously, I won't get specific. It's hard. I wish I had someone to talk to about things, but such is life. Or at least my life.

Which leads me to THE PLAN:

Current Situation: I'm the heaviest I've ever been. It happened slowly, over 2 years. I don't want to give away specifics of height/weight for reasons stated above. I'll just say that by medical definitions, I'm a few pounds short of being clinically overweight.

Challenges/Obstacles: I'm in a great relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. On the one hand, it's great to have someone love you for who you are, not for what you look like. But on the other hand, it's easier to "let yourself go" (so to speak) since there's no one to look good for except yourself. And why would I try to look good for myself if I don't even like myself? It's much easier for me to starve for someone I love than for someone I hate. And the person I love doesn't want me to starve. Ay, there's the rub...

Goal: Get to GW by mid-summer. I've got a lot of things to look forward to this summer and would like to look and feel my best for them. My birthday, vacations, and just general summer good times. LW: 129.7 GW1: 140 GW2: 130 GW3: 125 GW Final: 115

Approach: Combination of diet and excercise to reach GW. Based on previous experience, diet will act as the primary source for weight loss and excercise will play a support role. Some people can eat whatever they like, work out a ton and lose weight. I am not said people. I can work out till I pass out, but it won't help me drop lbs. The purpose of excercise for me is to tone muscle, not shed fat.

Tactics:
Diet: As mentioned, my relationship doesn't allow for me to have a super-picky diet. We live together, so we cook together, eat together, go out together. I cannot change eveything on my own, but I can cut back, do my part, which is what I intend to do. This includes: Limiting portions

• If I'm still hungry after eating, I'm doing it right.


• If I'm satisfied, I've probably eaten too much


• If I'm full, I've overeaten. Congratulation fatty, now go upstairs and purge.

Limiting frequency

• Skip meals whenever possible.


• The more frequently I eat, the hungrier I get. Weird, I know.


• PLEASE NOTE: DON'T bother giving me that bullshit that skipping meals makes your body store fat. If I was trying to lose weight the "healthy way" that would be true. But in my ten years of disordered eating experience, it all comes down to calories in, calories out. When you only consume 200 cal/day, your body is going to use those 200 cals for fuel, not storage. Any scientist or medical professional will agree, and the roughly 10% of women in the U.S. who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder can prove it. End of story, mkay?

Limit alchohol

• This is a tricky one, as social drinking and my lifestyle go hand in hand. Not to mention that I work in a profession that isn't exactly known for being sobriety-friendly. But nonetheless, this is DEFINATELY the reason I have gained the most weight. I'll have a diet mixer and squeeze of lemon please, thankyouverymuch.

Restrict:

• Meat


• Dairy


• Carbs


• Sugar


• Oil

Excercise:

Strength: (lower impact, focus on toning)

• Yoga


• Pilates


• Abs


• Light weights

Aerobic: (harder when I'm restricting heavily)

• Running


• Biking

Other considerations: Water

• Drink at least 90 oz. a day


• This doesn't count tea, coffee, or other beverages. 90 oz of clean, filtered water


• Water flushes out impurities from the body, makes it easier for the liver to process fat from storage, and keeps you feeling full

Sleep

• MINIMUM 8 hours a night


• When you're sleeping, you're not eating (duh)


• Surprising, you burn a good amount of calories sleeping. Sounds weird, but true

Food Journal

• Fitday.com (http://www.fitday.com/fitness/Login.html) is a great free online resource to track food, calories, excercise, weight goals and progress.


• I've noticed when I use it consistenly, I almost always loose weight. Trick is - consistency.

Keep Busy

Some days I'll be so swamped that 14 hours will go by and I'll realize, "Hey, I haven't eaten a single thing today." Of course, my next thought is: "...cool..." but the point here is staying busy is the best way to keep my mind off food. Clean house, wash my car, garden, get caught up at work, read, paint my nails, go see a movie, whatever...just don't eat

And most importantly:

Hungry = Good

Does it suck being hungry? Damn right.

I get dizzy doing such simple taks as STANDING UP. I'm shivering, freezing cold, even when it's 85 degrees out. My body aches all over for lack of energy. My stomach growls so loud everyone in the meeting hears it.

...but it's worth it. The end result is worth it. Nothing good is ever easy. And I can do it.